There has been far too much serious stuff on my blog lately. I don't know about you but I need a good laugh at my expense.
Back in May, I attended the National Federation of the Blind State convention. I did not realize when this trip started out the biggest problem I would encounter would not be the broken down bus, the lone crossing of 6th south in SLC or the fact that I paid for three nights of convention and only had a room for one. My most serious situations would befall me in an elevator.
Now, first I have to assure you, it is not a blind thing. Blind people are more than capable of surviving elevators on their own. This is a me, thing. I have a particular disability that makes it so I met disaster that day. I have acomprehendning technology idiotical disorder; if it has electronic components and buttons to push I automatically qualify for federal funding, because I will screw it up.
This is not a registered disability, but I'm sure if I could get someone in the federal government to require me to e-mail or attach a url in order to vote for them. It would fast become their leading cause. but I digress...
One day after a long afternoon of classes and speeches I went to my room at The Red Lion Inn to take my blood sugar and get ready for dinner. Craig Applegate, a friend of mine was going to wait for me by the bank of elevators on the main floor so he, his wife, and I could go to dinner. I quickly did my stuff and found my way to the elevator, humming innocently down the hall from my room. I should have suspected that quiet innocence from the beginning. Once inside the doors with Love Me Tender by Elvis Presley playing in the back ground, I attempted to locate the correct button for the ground floor..
By some evil trick of good old Elvis i was on the only elevator in the entire Hotel that went to the laundry room in the basement. Because I don't read Braille, I counted the buttons on the right side of the panel until I found the one for Lobby and pressed it. You would never suspect all Hell would break loose with the push of one button, but it did.
First I ended up in the basement having an argument with a chinese man about what floor I was on. Unfortunately I don't speak chinese and could not explain to him where I wanted to go. He yelled something at me, stabbed a finger against the buttons, and off I went. Next I found myself on a random floor of the hotel and had to wander for fifteen minutes before a very nice Spanish lady informed me I was now on the third floor. Luckily for me, I speak spanish.
Once again Elvis and I took our positions and I counted down to the first floor. Foiled again, Elvis was on his way to the 9th floor first.
With my arrival I knew something was wrong. For one thing The hotels bar is on the roof and there were far too many people willing to help. There were however, not enough sober people to get be back to the lobby. Next I arrived on the fifth floor, where I sank to the carpet beside Elvis' portal to the unknown and answered my ringing phone. "Where are you, Traci." Craig demanded. "I've been watching the elevators and you haven't come out yet."
"Is there one going up and down like a yo-yo," i sighed. "because that's me."
If Craig had stopped laughing at me long enough to help I could have been happily munching on dinner, but while he tried to control his fits of hysteria, I found a blind guy that reads Braille and he put me back on track. While Elvis purred about the benefits of blue shoes I begged him for mercy and stepped back in the elevator.
I don't know how many more floors I landed on before I recognized Craig's snorts and guffaws and I escaped Elvis' embrace. By this time I was so tired and frustrated all I wanted to do was go back to my room and take a nap, but Craig wasn't letting me out of his sight(good thing it was his wife who was blind) and, there was no way I was going back with Elvis.
The moral of this story: learn to speak more than one language, stay out of bars, and if you are blind read Braille. I am working on the Braille thing. I can read all the letters of the alphabet now, and I know how to turn letters a-j into the numbers 1-10. I will never be thwarted by elevators or bathroom signs again.
I know what you are thinking, but a good plan starts with a hope for the best and a desire to avoid Elvis.